Why is Bandra dubbed Mumbai's "Queen of the suburbs?"
Leaving her familiar and more than comfortable previous life behind "Queenie" endeavours to take Mumbai and all it's offerings by storm. Packing up the two little princes, "His Royal Highness" and their pedigree feline friends they set off on their big "Indian Adventure". Her roller coaster ride of experiences while being rather humorous- soon display some home truths. But will Queenie be up for the lesson?
So "HRH" made the faux pas of going to the hairdressers without moi yesterday. Big mistake (like as in when Julia Roberts used this line in Pretty Woman) big mistake! I arrived home to find our bathroom door locked and our housekeeper extremely concerned about "sir". I knocked on the door gently and using my most soothing voice I asked what was wrong with HRH. No response. After a good ten minutes "HRH" finally coughed up the truth. He had made an attempt at colouring his hair at the hairdressers today....my heart began to pound rather fast. "What the hell do you mean?" I asked- adding "darling" in at the end for good measure. "Your hair looked fab as it was love!" I cooed nervously. "We don't call you the silver fox for nothing!" There was a hint of desperation by now. "C'mon now, no more joking around you know we have a big dinner with friends tonight- show yourself buddy." Slowly the door handle turned and HRH came out meekly...I gasped in horror. Oh no. "What the f#*k!"
Trust me you don't want to wake up next to him!
The man that stood before me was not my husband. At least I hoped he wasn't. Oh god I needed a drink. I called out to our housekeeper to make an emergency G&T and pronto. And I ushered the "thing" that stood before me back into the bathroom. Poor HRH had a head of red hair. I'm not kidding you- I mean ginger red. That awful colour that some Indian men go when they have applied henna to their hair and the sun exposure turns it a red/ginger (near Ronald bloody McDonald) colour. Freaking hell. We couldn't go out to dinner with everyone that night to "THE TABLE" in south Mumbai with HRH looking like that. He would clash with his prada shirt I'd just bought him! Fashion faux pas number 1. Don't channel Ronald McDonald EVER!
Apparently he had gone down to "Toni & Guy" Bandra and thought he would take his senior hairstylist's (my bloody arse) opinion. What a friggin disaster. "Call the driver darling you're heading back to Toni & Guy."
As I headed off to pick the kids up from school and the radio blared "Oh La La- Tu Hai Meri Fantasy" I prayed that HRH would come to his senses and correct the horrific hair colour situation. What was he doing colouring it anyway? I had always told him the silver fox look was a winner. Was he having an affair? They say men go and do silly things like this when they have a new lover...No of course not. What was I bloody thinking?
When I got back from school I paced around waiting for HRH's return. Finally the key turned in the lock and he was back. OH MY GOD! His hair was worse. He had gone jet black. NOOOOOOOOO! Why? Why would he do this to me? To us?
I nearly fainted. HRH has had silver hair for so long that it was like Richard Gere walking in with jet black hair if you get my drift...it was shocking. It was awful. What would the regrowth look like? Calling it a disaster would have been a euphemism if ever I heard one. Okay. Breathe. It's nearly christmas. You love your husband. (Son of a b#*ch- how could he do this before our pre xmas dinner with friends?) And he was smiling. He twirled himself around and said "Taadaa... all fixed darling!" I could have wrung his little neck...
By the look on my face he new things were FAR from fixed. I told him to take a look in the mirror. That he looked a little different and our friends and family would be shocked. (To say the least.) Aaree yaar. At this point I didn't think even his own kids would recognise him anymore!
That crack was a BIG MISTAKE...big mistake.
Finally he realised that even though our driver had given him the thumbs up of approval it wasn't the best gage. Reality hit. And hard. "Oh my god I can't go out like this can I ?" He cried. I shook my head sadly and that was when he knew he would never be going to Toni and Guy's again- or would ever think of colouring his hair ever again. I told him that I even thought he may have been having an affair when he came home with red hair. Poor HRH was so upset. He cancelled dinner with our friends and whisked me off for a romantic dinner for two at Olive in Pali Hill. It was a great night even if I did feel like I was dining with Richard Gere on crack...LOL. His heart is in the right place. I'll just have to get used to it for a while. I know what will be top of his christmas list now....A BLOODY HAT!
And with that I must fly. The tiddly winks are on holiday already so I should probably organise a play date or two. It's christmas week and now I'm in search of a good hat shop. I know a fabulous one in Portofino but Mumbai? Hmmmm. May have to google it. HRH is in desperate need.
Thanks for reading everyone and stay tuned for more hijinks. The QM arrives on wednesday and have managed to pin down KCM. He's flying in from Bangkok. Lord knows what he's been up to.
Queenie xxx
Namaskar readers, on this lovely cool sunday morning in the city of all cities- MUMBAI!
We are now officially 7 days out from Christmas and it will be my first ever celebrated in India. Christmas brunch has been booked, flights organised to Jaipur, hotels sorted in Agra for the Taj Mahal visit and our regular driver is ready to go in Udaipur one of my favourite places in all the world. My christmas tree is up with presents underneath and the little munchkins have written their letters to father christmas too. What to do now? Eat. Drink. And of course be merry. My very festive red louboutins are out of the box ready to wear and I'm just finalising my ensemble for the big day. Somehow I don't think my Herve Leger silver bandage dress will be suitable? I might go the more casual Chloe day dress? Hmmm yes. Will need something expandable to say the least. Christmas brunch will be a long affair I can assure you. I wonder if Santa got me the Jade Jagger jewellery from "Le Mill" that I'd been wanting as a stocking filler? I doubt it. Santa has gotten a little practical in his older age these days (wink wink.)
Dreams by Sapana Spring Summer 2011 collection
I had some cocktails with a gorgeous designer last night (at Esco Bar in Bandra) who is still a relative secret (very exclusive and hush hush) nobody likes to wear mainstream these days. Sadly Ritu Kumar has joined the mainstream crowd in my books. I'm all about exclusivity and being able to wear fabulous designers that not every tom, dick or Aditya would wear. So I have ordered this fabulous outfit for an upcoming event I have planned. It's a long white skirt with a gold and black trim and the sexiest teeny tiny matching bolero jacket. I think this piece would be a show stopper. Of course we can only dream of looking like the model (sadly I DO NOT grizzle grizzle fricking cheese naans!) but even if I look half as good as her then I'll be over the moon. Take a squizz at her website too ( right hand sidebar beside the image- DREAMS BY SAPANA) as she custom makes divine pieces and location is no problem. You can be in the states (she's actually american but based in Mumbai now) or Australia or the U.K and still wear these unique outfits! Woohoo. I'm sold baby. What else is new? Ohhh yes I was out and about at the Oberoi mall and spotted my fave Priyanka Chopra and SRK promoting the launch of the new Don 2 games. HRH was thrilled and I do have to admit that Pri was looking pretty amazing in her light pink mini dress. DAMN them Indian hotties. I mean I'm half Indian but I just don't seem to get any of the good traits. Oh well, hi ho hi ho it's off to the bloody gym I go. I have to try to get into my "Dreams by Sapana" outfit soon. Crikey.
Hope all your xmas preps are going good darlings... when all else fails just pop a bottle of champers I say. I mean it's christmas so it's obligatory.
Queenie xxx
Well there was a lot of hype about this movie.It's set in the eighties so it's pretty hilarious to look back on that whole era and have a laugh. The costumes and songs and makeup are so over the top- indicative of that whole period in Bollywood film. I don't know why but I keep thinking of Sri Devi when I see this trailer. She was definetly my all time eighties bollywood queen. She was so eighties. With her full lips and curvy voluptuos eighties figure. But if you see her these days she's a shadow of what she was. She's so slim and cautious and wears alot of safe colours like black, white and wait for it...BEIGE!!!! Plus she has done something to her nose. And probably other things too I'd say. It's so sad. Anyhow what was I saying? Dirty Picture... ohhhhh. Yes I just don't see why everyone got so hyped about it being sexy? I overheard some young boys saying they HAD to go see it. But it's all in the title. Apart from having that catchy "Ooh la la Ooh la la" song it wasn't that DIRTY at all to me. Although you could be mistaken into thinking so by the looks of this trailer... but don't believe em'. This is Bollywood. Not art house french. So you definetly will not see any raw uncensored (or hairy european) body parts. LOL. Did I just say that? Looks like I did. Too funny. I need a drink.
So it's been quite a week. Phew. Where to start? Nowhere. I don't think I can really do any of it justice to be honest. Lets just do a quick little list. So much easier than me having to write a beautiful long narrative...what's the diff my friends? Be kind. Friday 9th december: A girlfriend's 35th birthday party in Bandra which ended up being ANOTHER incredibly late night. Of course by 2 am I found myself at another one of those "friends of a friends friend's" party in the south somewhere with a B grade Bollywood star to my right and a bonified prince to my left. AS you do darling....as you do. Only in Mumbai. The Moet was free flowing so in my books it's all fair in love and party land. Saturday 10th december: A wonderful day spent having a fabulously luxurious lie in. A slice or two of pizza and a bad Jen Anniston rom-com on the telly. Bliss.
You, me and a champers baby!
Sunday 11th december: The boys (HRH and the PM) had a very long day off playing golf with some other boys and the tiddly winks and I had a day wrapping christmas presents for our overseas friends and went to see a movie together. Monday 12th december: Our christmas party for the children we teach english to that live on construction sites. What an amazing day! I don't really think I can begin to describe how I felt- being there with them. It was the saddest most joyful time all at once. When the older boys gifted all the volunteers a wonderful painting as a thank you gift- we ALL just broke down into tears. It was out of joy...yet there was also an underlying sadness. It's a really tough thing to try to explain. But it just left me very raw for the whole day. Everything seemed to pale in significance. I was once again entirely consumed with love and concern and pain for the kids. I was so out of sync that I had to head over to a close friends house and just have some time out. We got through several bottles of chardonnay. What can I say. No comment. Tuesday 13th december: An intimate lunch with some of my closest friends I have made in Mumbai. It was a pre christmas farewell of sorts. We decided to order jugs of sangria and just have a good old rant. It was fricken fantastic. Nothing like a good release...and who better with than good friends. You know what? I've met some pretty fab people since I've been in India. Thank god because when you live so far away from home you really do need close friends. I had just enough time to race home, have a quick shower, change my outfit, spray some perfume and head back out to Hakka San in Bandra for dinner with some of our other friends. Note to self: Don't try to show off about being able to eat super spicy food when eating in an establishment that has a bathroom hostess. Those walls are pretty thin and the bathroom hostess' knows all. No wonder she was smirking as I walked out. I might give Hakka San a break for a while me thinks....
One of our angels with his xmas present
Wednesday 14th december: Prince M started our morning off with a musical performance at school. Rather early too if I may add. But alas it was a proud motherly moment for Queenie. I have to admit the wee princes have adapted to Mumbai expat life rather seemlessly (thank god or I would never have forgiven myself!) and I was filled with pride seeing them today. Even just watching them run around with their friends and appear to be at home when on campus. It's pretty great...as a parent. Now where was I?
Ahhh yes. Lunch was shared at the American Consulate General's private residence with 50 other American Women's Club members. I of course headed straight for the champagne (don't roll your eyes...it was rose champagne okay) and spotted a few friends. The food was good, lovely ladies AND I even won one of the charity raffles so it was a great day in all. Have to be honest though I was really shocked at the lax attitude with security. Nobody asked me for photo I.D so I could have honestly been anyone claiming I was on the list and been allowed entry. Pretty scary stuff. I mean I was nervous just being there for the few hours I was. Let alone having to live there. I mean the consulate general's home was really warm and comfortable and felt pretty homely but still. It would be a very tough decision to have to make to live on the grounds of the American consulate in Mumbai. Just saying.
Well that's me for now everyone. I'm bloody shattered. And of course haven't made it once to the gym or yoga. So failing the pre xmas diet and get fit plan. What a damn joke. I mean as if? Who does that?
Thanks for reading again my friends. A big hello to everyone in South Korea, Australia, Russia and Singapore! And thanks especially to all my loyal readers here in India I don't know what I'd do without you all.
Queenie xxx
Ok I gotta stop EATING and DRINKING so much. My ass is fast becoming the size of a bus. Not just any bus- one of those big red double decker ones. It's depressing. So much for christmas cheer.
I'll be happy if I just get through christmas without one of my family members commenting on my new found "Indian belly and butt". Some days I just wish I'd be hit with food poisoning or even the flu would be fine. I'm sure if all I ate were chicken noodle soups for a week I could lose at least a stone? Damn my bloody resistance- it's not fair! I take all sorts of non expat safe risks such as eating street food, having ice in my drinks and even drinking chai from the chaiwallas....but nothing. Not a nada. Every morning I wake to a healthy "grumbling for food" appetite. Bugger. Some expat I am. All I have is a hang belly (like my ten year old cat) and an ass that seems to have a life of it's own. It's going to need it's own wardrobe soon. (And sleeping quarters!)
Yoga my ass...
So maybe I should ask father christmas for a spray tan, a bad case of campylobacter and an anti cellulite butt massager. Do they even exist? Surely.
Thanks for tuning in everyone. As usual I'm overwhelmed by all the readers. And from all over the world! This week there are special thanks needed for you all from Trinidad and Tobago, Germany, Canada, Taiwan and Singapore. Fantastic stuff!
Queenie xxx
Hello my lovelies, I've had a wonderful yoga session this morning followed by the "Yogi's breakfast" and a good gossip with the girls. Bliss.
Life is good. Getting incredibly busy with christmas parties at the orphanage and for the students we teach english to etc. Pre christmas farewell parties and inbound guests. But it's been fun. The silly season is upon us- Mumbai style.
We have our christmas tree up and decorated with gifts beneath already. I have so many presents left to choose. HRH get's off scott free with out a care in the world for gifts, or greeting cards. But I have the task of making sure everyone is catered to.I really want to buy our housekeeper a gift too -obviously along with her bonus. So I will have to force myself to hit the stores again...diddums. I'm sure I can drag myself out there with the masses. Shouldn't be too painful. Except for the Visa.
I am seriously trying to have a quiet week but there is always so much going on in Mumbai that it is just impossible! Every time I settle in for a "night in" my iphone bleeps to tell me I'm late for someone's party or lunch or breakfast. Plus I could also do with a little less food at the moment. Let's be honest I don't NEED it. Especially not the curry and roti. Which is tough when you live in India and actually love it...
A friend sent me this clip yesterday- apparently I'm the last person in the world to have seen it. I just think it's hilarious. People in India can be so innocent and always super passionate about their music. This guy is just a crack up. I don't know how old he is but I sure wish I had that kinda energy in the mornings. I love it when he grabs his body lotion...so funny. Hope you're all well out there. I'm off for lunch with the PM and HRH. We might hit Sancho's for some mexican. I might be able to squeeze in a quick lunchtime margharita too. Oohhh that's a great idea. Talk soon. Looks like we will be moving apartments after New Years. Drama's on the home front but nothing too serious. Enjoy the day...it's sunny again in Mumbai. Hahaha....isn't it always?
Queenie xxx
So we officially have our first guest in Mumbai. The PM arrived yesterday at the ungodly hour of 4am. I had initially planned a few martini's with a girlfriend on my balcony while we waited for his plane to land. But this being Mumbai and all- complications were to be had. He had unfortunately brought more than his quota of alcohol into the country. The 5 bottles of pineau and "St Emilion Grand Cru classe" did make it safely off the plane but were then picked up by airport control. By the time he arrived "HRH" and I were passed out on the bed after doing our very best to stay up and be 'festive'. C'mon it was 4:30 am and we ain't spring chickens any longer. So in PM's honor we hit AER bar for sunset cocktails last night. Completely lost count of numbers but there were well over 20 of us by 8pm and I'm sure the staff were getting annoyed at our ever increasing lounge area. (Should of just rented the place out of course!) Once again the place was crawling with designers, models and very good looking European gay men- in my opinion the perfect combination for late night antics of the Mumbai kind. Managed to crawl home at a respectable hour so as not to have the snoozing watchman break his sleep. One has to be respectful in these circumstances. My brain now feels overloaded with three languages buzzing around in my head. I keep switching from french to english to hindi- and it's all a little too much for me the morning after. I hadn't opened the french box in well over 3 months and now throwing it back into the mix is interesting to say the least. Serves me right. Those bloody dirty martini's were dangerous.
So this grandaddy is a bit of a DUDE...
Poor "HRH" just has no luck at the moment- he left his new credit card in a machine and it got destroyed. Now he has to re-order one from Australia and get it couriered over here and get the pin activated etc. etc. etc. As you can imagine he is slightly peeved. Well we could just pop down the road for some pani puri. That would lift his spirits...food always does the trick.
Right well I'm off to take the kids to this quicksilver event at the Ambani International school. Apparently Tony Hawke is skating. They've constructed a huge halp pipe looking thing. I suppose I could go take a squizz. I mean the man has to be a grandfather by now right? Wasn't he a champion skate boarder about 10 years ago? And doesn't he have a few of his own playstation games???? Yeah that's the one. Do grandfathers still skate? LOL I spose so. The things we do for our kids huh.
So we went to Juhu today. The beach was packed (as per usual- where isn't in Mumbai right?) so we decided to hit Aurus bar for an afternoon cocktail. Was pretty impressed. I had a damn good mojito. Fresh limes and so thirst quenching... Obviously I had to have a few. It was just so hot. Like I mean sticky hot. It's weird though because it feels like a dry heat and yet the wet patches on your shirt tell you otherwise. Which made me realise I needed a new hat. It's just impossible to spend longer than ten minutes in the sun without wishing you had a hat on. So I'm getting a new one... that's that. I don't care that women don't really wear them here. I don't care if the locals stare at me like a skinny man in the States. I'm going to get one. Oh and while I'm at the hat store I might as well stop drinking, smoking and lose those extra ten pounds from last christmas. Yeah right baby. Dream on. Right I'm off to watch the "Graham Norton show" (my fave) he has Johnny Depp on this week. Ohhhh can't wait. Where's the remote. Ohhhh Ricky Gervais is on too. I might get a vino this looks like a goodie. Might just bring the whole bottle...that way I don't have to get up. Yoga tomorrow morning...stop smirking you lot.
